Hello :)

Lately, I have been so frustrated, disappointed and really hurtful. My mental health is not good because something has happened. It affects the whole of my life but it's okay I know I'll be fine one day.
Now, I don't know how to describe my conditions. Sometimes I will feel anxiety, scared, insecure and upset because I will remember those unnecessary things. I don't know. Maybe just me? I don't know who I would like to talk with because maybe I will make my friends annoyed listening to my problems. Sometimes, sleeping will make me feel better. I don't want to think again and again because Im tired. Im just tired to feel this way. Sometimes I feel really I want to harm myself but I did controlled myself from doing it. It's really hard to control myself from doing that bad things. You know people might be don't know what I am doing but when I did that, people will stay away from me. That is why I am scared too.

I just keep it by myself. Even I don't know why I am like this. I just need someone to talk but I realise theres no one want to talk to me about this. Not all people understand what I've been through. Surrounding with toxic environment is not good and I didn't ask for this. Sometimes I want to be alone for a while because I'm tired to face everything. I pray to Allah every day, I hope that I will feel better one day, and may I will get the happiness.

My mental health is not good and I don't know how long I will recover from all of this. It is really happening. I wanted to keep my mental state healthy. I don't know when I can stop thinking to harm myself, crying and regret for what I did. I'm tired. Do I really need a help? Because all this time, I chose to not telling anyone. I am really tired. Sometimes I feel dying inside. I couldn't stand anymore.

It's good to be alone some day because you can motivate yourself, you can tell yourself that you're strong enough to face all of this. You are strong, you can do this, you are worthy because people who don't know what you have been through, they will judge you but they don't know you're more happier than everyone. Because you love yourself more. Self-love is important. I'm trying to understand myself, Im started to accept all my flaws.

I don't know why people want to find my mistakes in the past yet I already moving on from the past. Im not living in there anymore. But when this happening, it will make me feel guilty. Like there's a thing that haven't settle yet. Even how many I asking for apologise, but still people can't forgive me? How many times I asking for apologise and how many times I do forgive people, still I'm the one who to be blame. Yes I assume all of these happens because its a return for me. It's okay, I really realise all my mistakes. I was a bad person but it wasn't my intention to do it. I know I was wrong. But I already move on from the past. I learnt, I learn how to be better person. I'll keep be positive. I am trying to make myself be happy. Always. But still my heart feels nothing and I didn't really know what should I feel. This make me worrying about what other people thinking of me, but why should I? I should think about myself more.